ARE THOSE APPLES LOADED?

First posted 25 July 2011

This world is a strange place. Reading the paper recently I came across the story of a particularly nasty type who was jailed for several years, though probably not long enough, for attempted murder. The journalist recorded that the attempted murderer had been in disguise when he tried to kill his victim and the article went on to relate how he was apprehended a short distance away holding a wig, a face mask, a handgun and two apples.

Now the wig and the face mask were no doubt for the disguise. I worked that out. The hand gun, well that’s obvious also. But being neither a journalist nor a law enforcement officer, I perhaps missed the relevance of the two apples.

I’m thinking they probably were not relevant at all but were recorded by the police, who tend to record that sort of stuff, and the journalist simply went along for the ride without even questioning why any of us would give a hoot whether Mr Nasty preferred apples over pears or why he would have any fruit at all, unless holding an apple or two would place him in a fruit and veggie store where the offence might have taken place, except that in this case it didn’t.

We do receive a whole lot of unnecessary information in our routine daily lives. Live street interviews for TV are a particular case in point. A gunman shoots at someone and runs off. The “at the scene” journalist, Jane, relating the story to her talking head back at the station whose name, for want of one better, is Clare.

“Yes Clare,” … what follows then is a cliché loaded description of this “usually quiet street” during which Jane fails to record that the same suburb was host to several drive by shootings within the past 12 months, “an unidentified gunman fired two shots and then ran off. This witness was close by.” Cue a grinning witness.

“Can you describe what you heard?”

“Yes, there were two bangs … then I heard someone run off.”

Now that was helpful. I feel so much better informed having had the scene brilliantly painted by Jane and then confirmed by the grinning witness, whose appearance on the small screen will no doubt be the highlight of his little life.

“I was once on television.” Woo Hoo!

Oh hang on a moment. The wig … maybe the offender was dressed as a woman. And the two apples, they were … well you know. So was he still wearing the bra or did he throw that away. If he threw the bra why keep the wig? And the hand gun?

“Yes Officer, I might be holding a gun but I’m not wearing a bra.”

Yes, that would explain it … or maybe not. Face mask? What sort of face mask? Apparently it was a Richard Nixon face mask. So what’s the point of the tits? Nixon wasn’t a trannie, was he?

I wonder whether they caught the guy because he was trying to run away in high heels. How do people run in high heels? In the movies women always run in high heels. It doesn’t look easy or graceful. Here’s a guy chasing her trying to kill her and she runs off in high heels.

“Ditch the heels, Honey.”

“No way. These are $300 Diana Ferraris.”

Clip clop clip clop clip clop … BANG! Bad option.

That raises another point. If you wear a disguise, you obviously don’t want to be recognised. So why would anyone not wanting to be recognised want to look like Richard Nixon? It’s not like his face isn’t familiar.

“Did you see anything suspicious?”

“Not really. Mrs Riley was over by the cucumbers. Old My Bennett came in for his usual bag of grapes. Richard Nixon bought two apples.”

Nothing suspicious about that. You see it every day.

Like I said; a strange strange world.