First posted 19 July 2011

It’s on again. The biannual attack on the most feared sociopathic motor mobile groups, elderly drivers! Those hoards of grey headed seniors who routinely terrorise the passive and responsible commuters unfortunate enough to be sharing the same thoroughfare at the same time. Really?

This week, or was it last week (where are my car keys?) that hard-nosed news program, A Current Affair, mounted an attack on the dwindling (or was it non-existent?) maneuvering skills of drivers over the age of 60. Obviously it was a dull news week. ACA usually finds something more meaty (pardon the pun) to report on each evening, like, “Save $15.00 off your weekly food bill”. Was this the reason that Edward R Murrow never sought immortality? Maybe he saw the future of current affairs programs and elected to make his exit gracefully? ACA put a handful of apparently incompetent old people (most of whom were younger than me) behind the wheel of various vehicles and tested them on their braking skills, judgment of distance and ability to avoid running over a series of orange witches hats. Several hats appeared to suffer life threatening injuries but as it was reported that no live witches had been used in the tests no further action was necessary. What a load of humbug!

The other day a friend of mine complained to me that her 88 year old mother was failed during her annual driving test by an aggressive young female examiner because she drove too slowly … 40km per hour. That’s the speed above which, should you be doing it in a school zone during certain hours, society considers you irresponsible and dangerous. The school zone debate aside, fatal accidents are rare whenever two vehicles, both travelling at 40 km per hour, collide. Accidents such as these are generally confined to the local Westfield’s car park.

During a fairly recent radio debate on the subject one woman reported triumphantly how she had taken the opportunity of advising the RTA that her octogenarian father was, in her opinion, a danger not only to himself but to everyone else and succeeded in having his licence revoked. Needless to say her father was outraged and has since refused to speak to her. Fair enough, but if my daughter is ever foolish enough to take a similar action, she can be confident of not getting off so lightly. Trust me, should any of my children ever feel the need to encumber my mobility thus there is little doubt they will receive from me more than adequate guidance as to further interference with my affairs.

So before we further deprive our senior citizens of their rapidly declining independence, let us examine the merits of some other road users with questionable skills.

There would be public outrage were we to suggest all male drivers under the age of 25 have their licences revoked, yet they form the most dangerous group amongst road users, contributing disproportionately to the annual road toll year after year. They are skilled, fearless and by contrast, absolutely brainless.

How about disenfranchising any male driver between the age of 25 and 50 on Friday afternoon who, after a big week, is simply trying to negotiate his way through peak hour traffic to get home and have a cold beer. Multiple lane changes at speed with minimal indication, does not a competent driver make. Is there ever a more irritable time than 5.45pm in peak hour traffic?

Young women with green P plates reacting aggressively to every perceived act of ineptitude, gesticulating wildly with the hand not clutching the mobile and mouthing profanities that would make a wharf labourer blush. Strip them of their licences forthwith before the rest of us die from embarrassment.

Pregnant women; premenstrual women; menopausal women; women adjusting their hair or applying make-up at the traffic lights; this temporarily skill challenged group are distracted and dangerous. Call me sexist, but this group should be ordered off the road immediately

Those with personality anomalies, whether temporary or permanent; neurotics; manic depressives; any Wallaby supporter 48 hours either side of a Bledisloe Cup decider (similar to depressives). This can be equally applied to supporters of the Cronulla Sharks, St Kilda or the Australian Cricket team. These aforementioned groups are clearly unstable and instability is not conducive to safe or competent driving.

Truck drivers who tailgate other vehicles; taxi drivers who stop anywhere; 4WD drivers who push into any lane they wish; people in those stupid little cars that look like vacuum cleaners. There’s a whole list of them who simply should not be permitted to fill up the traffic lanes making it unnecessarily crowded and dangerous for more competent drivers.

For mine, I’m quite happy to tuck in behind any driver who appears to me to be somewhere between the age of 70 and 100. They are definitely the most cautious, statistically the least likely to be involved in an accident and they always put on their indicator a full kilometre before they move anywhere. Behind them, I feel safe. In the meantime all you critics of elderly road users; get off their backs! They might be losing their skills along with their memories, but they have certainly earned the right to live amongst us freely, and without a bunch of malcontents with exaggerated views of their own driving competence dictating their lives unnecessarily.

John R Long