First posted 13 June 2011

Oscar Wilde once said that bigamy is having one wife too many but that monogamy was the same thing. Whether the old queen could have claimed any superior knowledge of marriage is debateable however I have often wondered why any man would willingly expose himself to multiple concurrent spousal arrangements. Nevertheless The Anglican Archbishop of Sydney, Dr Peter Jensen, writing in the church’s newspaper, believes our society may be embarking on a dangerous path towards just that very thing. Gay marriage may cause polygamy! Who would have guessed that?

But before I get onto to this remarkable find by Dr Jensen, if the numbers are anything to go by, it seems most blokes agree with me. Let’s face it, stories of polygamists hardly fill the columns of our newspapers or attract the attention of the radio shock jocks or provide an opportunity for ACA to lead with a hard hitting news story that doesn’t relate to this week’s grocery prices. Admittedly on occasions a story will appear about some freak who has anything between 10 and 20 wives and who has fathered about 80 kids all of whom are on the dole or social welfare or some other scam, but the freak is hardly representative of the average Aussie male. If the average Aussie guy wants another wife, he generally discards the first or vice versa, she discards him.

There are no statistics available for the rate of divorce with gay marriages in Australia because no government has had the courage to make it legal in the first place. This is mainly due to the fact that homophobia is far reaching and politicians would prefer not to arouse the ire of influential people such as the leader of the Anglican Church in Sydney who is definitely not a fan. Dr Jensen says he understands the dangers of gay marriages. It will lead to polygamy on a broad scale. There you go! The connection is obvious. If you’re gay you’ll want to marry more than one person at the same time, apparently. That would no doubt be because being gay is an abomination; a sexual aberration that must always be considered a psychological defect. But the worst news is that polygamy is only the start, gay marriage will eventually lead to incest!

“This claim for a right to be married,” declared Dr Jensen, “could open the way for other forms … perhaps even marriage between immediate family members.” OK, I can see where that might be a jump but I gave it due consideration. I know a lot of gay guys and none of them are married to their brothers. Due consideration didn’t take long. I didn’t get the connection.

I have three mates who have formed a little group amongst themselves called Club 12 because between them they have had that many wives. I don’t ever want to join that club. The fees are outrageous! I often wonder what the attraction is for these guys to collect so many alimony liabilities. What were they thinking? “Sure, I’ve been married three times already but this time it will work!” Hello? And what expectations did the women have? “I’ve finally met the man of my dreams and we’ll live happily ever after.” Of course that would depend on whether she figured that he’d only been bumping around making unfortunate choices for the past 20 years but now he had finally got it right. Odd logic, but who’s to say who’s smart in those circumstances. Nevertheless Dr Jensen would approve of Club 12 because it only involves heterosexuals.

“Ministers of the Gospel,” Dr Jensen waffled on, “will find it increasingly difficult to teach Christian sexual ethics.” Yes, I imagine trying to teach any gay person Christianities’ current views on sexual ethics might hit a few snags. I mean, the church still considers masturbation to be deviant. I confess that as a teenager I did not consult my mother on any matters of a sexual nature and I dared not arouse my father’s suspicions about any of my extra-curricular activities. And I was more likely to throw myself under a train than admit to my Mum that I knew anything about sex despite having been well educated on the subject, like so many of my peers, by reading the latest advice on the school toilet wall. So if mum wasn’t likely to have a chance to educate me on that subject, what chance did Father O’Brien or the nuns have.

“The push for same sex marriages to be enshrined in the Marriage Act,” Dr Jensen continues, “is not a drive for the extension of rights but the redefinition of one of the indispensable foundations of community.” Bullshit! By his very own definition, Jensen refuses to acknowledge gay marriage has legitimacy and therefore he openly denies the legitimate rights of gays and lesbians to consecrate their own relationships.

And this, “Ensuring public honour of same-sex relationships by calling them marriages is an abuse of marriage itself.” By declaring same-sex relationships to be dishonourable, Dr Jensen not only dishonours himself, he dishonours his church, his religion and his God. Don’t you just wish good old Pete had a gay son?